The Real Deal

Fair warning: It's a mix of sarcasm, satire, humour and exagerration (shaken, not stirred). And I am in no mood to be nice. So read the rest at your own risk.

My life has been fairly stable and not highly eventful. But in this 24… sorry, 25 years of my existence, I have discovered that certain categories of people exist; whether they are at your school, college, society or workplace. No, I am not talking of the good kinds. I am not talking of the bad kinds either. Get this straight; there is no black and white; it’s always grey. So this is just my observation of certain characters and characteristics of people, and my feelings about them. I am not here to judge them. But some things just have to be said!

Bootlickers (BL): Also known as ass-kissers. They have no qualms in licking or kissing those respective things that I just said. I just can’t stand their sycophancy, and you could just puke when they talk. It’s not too hard to locate them. In a gathering, these are the people moving to the powerful, influential people (could be your Principal, Director, Managers, Politicians…). They start off with a polite introduction, and then move onto a series of praises of the said target. They just don’t care for self-esteem and will go to any lengths to catch the attention and create an impression (what kind, I wonder) on them. I have seen so many of this breed, that when they start showering their praises, and I am within earshot of this, I am ready to jump off a cliff. They think they are being damn smart; but here’s the scoop: those who hear and those who say, both know what the real deal is. But still this charade of pleasing and being pleased goes on. This class thrives and thrives… I wonder how and why. Nevertheless, they bother me no end. Heights of this is seen when the BL is desperate: wants a transfer, a promotion, a job, a new loan…the list could go on!

Achievers: No, these people don’t really achieve anything. But will make sure it ‘seems’ they did. They might be a part of the project, the group work, the assignment, the discussion, the committee, the event. But ultimately, come presentation time, recognition time or meeting with the bosses, an unprecedented fervor develops in them and they start presenting/talking/taking the lead as if they did the whole work on their own! More like robbing all the accolades; they just want to be the seen as the ‘face’ of the successful initiative so that the good name gets associated with them. But be damn sure if something goes wrong, they will be the first to disown the whole thing.

There’s also another kind in this category. They turn anything they did into an achievement. And you will all get an e-mail with top honchos also in Cc, coz they have to let everyone know that they did a miniscule, worthless thing. Something like, “In continuance with the earlier meeting, I have decided to initiate a meeting tracker, which will ensure attendance, set reminders… blah blah blah.” You get the drift. They just have to hog the limelight. Did they contribute anything? No! Just dragged in their butts and acted as if they were the best things to happen since colour TV.

Social Networkers: ‘Social networking’ is a highly abused and misused term in this day and age. But needless to say, this phenomenon has changed the way people behave online. And with it brings a new-age breed of nuisance! Meet the social networker: He has 1 million people in his friends list, and he’s actively trying to extend his reach over half the globe. What we don’t know is how well he knows them and vice versa (that’s gonna be scarce, I suppose). If you accidentally look at his way or say a polite ‘hi’ on the train, he will add you as his ‘friend’…we made a contact, right? Isn’t that enough? He likes to believe all of them are his ‘best friends’, buddies, pals. And he takes it as his birthright to comment on every scrap, status update, photo, fortune cookie message and online tests his friends take. And to make things worse, he has his own million status updates on his favourite food, movies, songs, art forms, hangouts, the weather……oh boy. Spare me the details! It will keep him alive in public eyes (or so he believes)… ‘Out of sight, out of mind’, right? Out of politeness, we all grin and bear it. And yes, my cheeks are still smarting from that fake smile I gave.

I just don’t know why people are obsessed about increasing their friends list and take it as an achievement. There are some individuals who are naturals when it comes to socializing and have lots of friends and acquaintances in the real world. But the kind I am talking about just keeps adding any stray person he’s vaguely familiar with and claims to be a ‘people’s person’ when he’s just a pain in the you-know-where for most. Enough said of this kind. I could go on and on…

Posers: This is an offshoot of the social networking era. Their life goal is to be immortalized through pictures. And not 1 or 100, but a million! They have this obsession with clicking a thousand random pics of themselves… no sifting and sorting to put up a select few…they will just transfer the whole bunch of it for our perusal! The funny part is, they will caption them – In Shimla, In Amritsar, In Red Fort, In Agra, In Dharamshala, In Jhumrithalaya… but it’s just them in the pic; no background scenery, no location. I could as well stand on the footpath of my hometown, click a pic and say In Dubai and no one would know the difference! Come any occasion, event, party, outing…they think, I should take pics, coz I need to upload it on FB or Orkut. And that’s how you get to see thousands of seemingly random yet perfectly co-ordinated smiles, formations, group pics, choreographed poses and funny pics. Some people are so desperate; they will also barge into other unsuspecting people who are getting their photos clicked. They just want to be in a pic! Who cares if their ugly faces (and presence) are not wanted by the others!

I hope I have enlightened you with a few categories of people. My mind seems to have calmed down now and my stock of humour, sarcasm and satire seems to have been depleted. You will hear more from me on this, in case I am inspired by more kinds of people. Get back to me with other kinds of people you can think of; if I find it interesting, I may as well spin another yarn on those!

As for those of you who think it’s YOU who I have written on… don’t ask me if I meant you; my response will be most probably me in the affirmative and you really don’t want to hear me confirm that, now do you? And if you are offended by this… I don’t care a damn!